Dear Diary.For my fiftieth Christmas this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a>week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I thought I was still in pretty good shape since playing high school tennis 32 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Danni, who identified herself as a 34-year-old aerobics instructor, a Triathlete, an Ironman Triathlete I must add, Swim Coach, and yada, yada ya.... My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress
MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Danni waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Danni gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit "Whatever". I enjoyed after my workout today. Very inspiring! Danni was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Danni made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Danni's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Danni was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, her voice is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Danni put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Danni told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.
THURSDAY Danni was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Danni took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Josh to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY I hate that W*tch Danniiiiia more than any human being has ever hated anyother human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader, Ironman what?. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Danni wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY Danni left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week i s over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun---like a root canal or a vasectomy.
"Oh my gosh that is so very funny"!!! He should try my Bootcamp class!!!
